


And If You Say You're Okay (I'm Gonna Heal You Anyway)

by MarcellaBianca



Series: Ignore the Story and See the Soul [3]
Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Yoga, Body Dysphoria, Body Image, Body Worship, Bucky Barnes Feels, CrossFit, Hurt Steve Rogers, M/M, Protective Bucky Barnes, Steve Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-19
Updated: 2017-04-20
Packaged: 2018-10-20 18:50:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,989
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10668678
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MarcellaBianca/pseuds/MarcellaBianca
Summary: Steve gets injured and has to take a few weeks off of lifting. Body issues rear their ugly head.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [queenmab_scherzo](https://archiveofourown.org/users/queenmab_scherzo/gifts).



> For QueenMab_Scherzo and her awesome new status as a DOCTOR!
> 
> There might be triggers in this story so I've put a small summary in the notes.

It doesn’t take much to sideline someone in Crossfit.

 

A small mistake in a muscle-up. Maybe a bad catch on a kipping pullup. The wrong bend to the knee in kettlebell swings. Whatever it is, it’s going to happen. It does the second Steve stops thinking for too long.

It begins with a dull ache in his shoulder after a WOD with wall balls. Then, toes-to-bar leave him with a lingering soreness in his right pec. After about a week Steve can barely Rx his workouts without some kind of pain in his right shoulder and chest; forget finishing the WODs with his students. Steve’s relegated to the side, yelling encouragement until he’s hoarse, ignoring the pain in his heart. 

Bucky immediately tells him to get it looked at, of course. “Don’t wait. Trust me.” Bucky is deadly serious, even as his eyes drift with a wistful slide down to his own leg. Steve feels another pang, this time at everything Bucky’s lost. All he’s had to endure to get his bodily autonomy back. 

Tony’s doctor, Erskine, diagnoses him with anterior shoulder impingement. “A common thing with Crossfit,” he says blithely, handing Steve a prescription for extra-strength painkillers that Steve tosses into the garbage the second he gets outside; he doesn’t want to take anything that might mess with his asthma. The other advice Dr. Erskine gives him is to scale back on his workouts, especially anything that involves bearing weight on his arms, and to do more stretches.

“So you just have to come to more of my classes,” Bucky laughs when Steve calls him later on with the info. But he promises to work with Steve at night.

 

* * *

 

 

“Not gonna lie,” Bucky says with a curl of his lip, pushing his knuckle deep into the knot at Steve’s shoulder blade, “I’ve heard you make some crazy noises before. But I didn’t think they’d come out when you got massaged, too.”

“You’re – ah! – mean,” Steve grunts, trying to twist away from the delicious pain but Bucky has him pinned to the floor with his glorious, lean legs.

“I mean, there’s an advantage to you being laid up,” Bucky drawls, and Steve can feel his spine tingle. “I can just ride you for the next few weeks.”

“Oh, god, Buck,” Steve moans, more out of frustration than arousal. “Don’t do this to me right now.” 

Bucky just cackles and digs his elbow into Steve’s back, causing Steve to jerk upwards. “I’m just saying, this is going to be fun.”

 

* * *

 

The next night has Bucky instructing Steve in modified archer arms, with both hands crossed behind his back to open up his shoulder. “This should help give you a good stretch,” he murmurs. Steve nods. It’s like his entire shoulder and pec are on fire. But he needs to get his strength back. Needs to get back in the gym.

 

* * *

 

Staying away from weights has its advantages. Steve’s been doing a little more basic cardio rather than the WODs, and it’s allowing him to spend time on more drawing projects when his shoulder is feeling up to it. But it’s also got it’s downsides.

“What are you looking at?” Bucky says softly, as he comes up to Steve, wraps his arms around his middle. Steve looks away from the mirror. “Nothing,” he lies, trying to scrub the soft lines of his arms and the deflation of his sixpack from his mind.

 

* * *

 

 

“Look at you, kid,” Sam crows, popping open a Gatorade. “You look skinny minny!”

“Sam,” Sharon says, almost a warning shot.

“What? Guy misses a couple of WODs during his injury and he’s going to be a beanpole. I bet if I blew air in your direction you’d fall over.” 

“That’s not true, Steve,” Sharon says, trying to be helpful. “You look absolutely fine.”

“Yeah,” Steve mumbles, lifting up his shirt to gaze at the lean lines of his stomach and lats. Since giving up lifting to get his shoulder back in working order he’s lost ten pounds. Not a big difference to anybody else. But Steve sees it. It’s all he can see.

 

* * *

 

“Everything okay?” Bucky asks, nuzzling into Steve after a night spent yelling at the Nets. Steve nods. “Yeah. Fine.” 

They don’t have sex. They haven’t for a few days. Almost two weeks, actually. Steve’s been pretending it’s about work stress. Bucky just nods, and says nothing.

 

 

* * *

 

Sometimes he catches Bucky looking at him sadly, as if he wants to say something, but then Bucky looks away. Usually to the ground, or at the sky.

He feels so stupid for being so self-conscious, but then there's a second where he sees how much his arms have slimmed down and he can almost taste the steroid mist in the air, can almost feel that soreness from when he woke up after several rounds of experimental medicines to help his heart. Can almost feel the dirt on his face from getting pushed down by those assholes in sixth grade, all bigger and stronger than he was.

 

* * *

 

It breaks even one night when Bucky sees Steve looking at his reflection in a car mirror on their way home from a dinner. When Bucky sees Steve’s face, he grabs Steve by the arm and pulls him to the subway station.

   
“What are you doing?” Steve hisses. “We’re gonna be late for Sharon and Sam’s thing.”

“They’re not going to miss us. We’re not going.” 

“What the fuck?” 

“Listen,” Bucky says, suddenly high-pitched, and Steve feels white hot shame course through him when he sees that Bucky is on the verge of crying. “You won’t tell me what’s wrong, and I don’t – I don’t know what’s going on but I know it isn’t good-“

“You can’t do anything about this, Bucky,” Steve says, trying to keep his voice from going as high.

“You bet your ass I can,” Bucky snarls.

 They ride the subway back to Brooklyn in silence.

 

* * *

 

When they get to Bucky’s apartment Bucky pushes Steve forward until he’s forced to sit on the couch in the living room. When he plops down, Steve stares up at Bucky, who leers over him like a ghost. “What?” he says, quietly. 

“Tell me what’s wrong,” Bucky states, voice even, despite the cracking tension in his jawline and in the air. 

“You’re not going to-“ 

“What? Believe you? Do you not know me at all?” Bucky kneels down in front of Steve, visibly shaking with either rage or disbelief. “Steve. I love you. Tell me what’s going on, please, because I’m starting to think you’re trying to subliminally tell me that…that you…”

And then it hits Steve like three fire trucks. The air leaves the room, falls out the window, and Steve realizes what it must be like for astronauts in space. Even though they have oxygen pumped into their suits, there's always that fear of getting the air sucked away until you're left with nothing but the vast crush of oblivion. That's what fills Steve's chest now. Total system failure.

“Oh, oh my god, fuck-“ His arms find Bucky, yank him into a fierce embrace. His arms may not be as strong anymore, but they were always built to hold Bucky like this. “No, no no no-“ 

“Then what is it,” Bucky asks, muffled into the fabric of Steve’s button-down. It sounds shaky, like he’s poised on the top of a rollercoaster. Steve lets out a deep, embarrassed sigh. 

“I’m losing muscle mass because I can’t do Crossfit and it’s making me feel bad about myself,” he finally guts out, as fast and as quietly as he can. But Bucky hears everything, because he pulls away from Steve and levels him with a look of total shock. “Are you fucking kidding me?” 

“I know, it’s fucking stupid,” Steve says, now angry on top of everything else. “Yeah, I used to be a skinny little kid with all of these diseases and now I’m terrified of being that weak and powerless again, so yeah, I’m pathetic –“ He moves to jump away and do…something (lock himself in the bathroom for the rest of the night?) but Bucky’s grip tightens. 

“Don’t you dare fucking run on me right now,” Bucky says, tone deadly even. Steve freezes. Slowly, Bucky disentangles himself from Steve and settles himself between Steve’s legs. Steve blinks. “Um.” 

Bucky stares at him for so long it makes Steve wildly uncomfortable. “What?” he finally asks.

“If you think I’m with you because of how you _look_ , you don’t know me at all.” Bucky’s fingers move to unbutton Steve’s shirt, and Steve wants to say no, wants to tell him to stop, but he can’t. He’s turned to stone under Bucky’s hands.

“You are,” Bucky says, eyes still locked on Steve’s as his hands fly on their own accord, “The most wonderful, beautiful, _perfect_ man I’ve ever known, and it’s got nothing to do with what you look like, and if it takes the rest of my damn life to prove it to you, I will.”

When Steve can speak again, he manages to joke “Even if I were 90 pounds again?” It tries to be amusing but hits a wall, slides down, stops breathing.

“Baby, I’d be able to pick you up in my arms and carry you with me wherever I went,” Bucky whispers. He places his hands on Steve's chest. “I’m in love with your heart. Your soul. Your guts, Steve. I want that. The rest of it is just window dressing.”

He drops a kiss to Steve’s sternum before trailing his lips up. “This beautiful, insufferable heart.” Finger pokes Steve, right above his left nipple. “You’ve got no _idea_ how perfect you are to me.” 

“Not as perfect as you are,” Steve whispers.

“It’s not a contest,” Bucky mutters against Steve’s skin. “The body is just a vessel. What matters is what’s on the inside.”

There’s silence while they process what’s going on, before Bucky finally cracks. “And if you make me freak out about whether or not you don’t think _I’m_ attractive anymore, I’m going to kick your ass into next year.”

“Not possible,” Steve growls, and lunges.

In the aftermath, they lay entwined on the floor. Steve knows he needs to get some tissue paper to clean up but he doesn’t want to move quite yet. Bucky had taken him apart, slowly, methodically. Rode him gently until Steve felt every atom in his body and all of their moving, infinite parts. He was electrons and Bucky was his nucleus. Bucky had fucked him like he was perfect. Like there was nothing more special to him than Steve.

And for a moment, one golden second suspended in a fairly ordinary night in the city, Steve believed it.


	2. Cover You (As You Desire)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky is still working to show Steve he's beautiful, in the only way he knows how.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because this story needs more porn.
> 
> Title of this inspired by "The Cure" by Lady GaGa.

Steve wakes up to a flutter of lips against his collarbone, and smiles. Bucky stayed over last night to give him a massage. The night had ended with Bucky cuddling him as they watched the most recent episode of  _Veep_ , before nuzzling a sleepy Steve to get up off the couch and into bed. The curtains are slightly open, allowing a shard of spring sunlight into the room. It glances off the bed, a sparkle, a gleam, illuminating Bucky's tattooed arm as it snakes up out of the bed and across Steve's body. Through the fuzz of transitioning from sleep to waking, Steve can feel Bucky's mouth trail against his throat before working back down across his chest. He lets out a soft sound of pleasure, more out of comfort than arousal - although that could swiftly change, since it's Bucky, and Bucky is the sexiest thing on the planet. 

They both slept naked, mainly because it's hot as hell outside and because Steve's trying hard to get used to the dimensions of his body now that he doesn't take up as much space. Sharon and Natasha insist he doesn't look very different, but Steve can tell. Bucky, however...Bucky just doubles down on the compliments. They make Steve feel like he's flying. Who knew he'd get off so much on validation and praise?

Bucky's mouth is perfect. It marks swirls and stars against Steve's chest, dropping down to taste his abdomen. Steve jerks up once, wide awake now, when Bucky blows a raspberry against his hip. "Okay, okay, I'm up," he laughs, running a hand through Bucky's loosened hair. "Good morning to me."

"I think you aren't as awake as I want you to be." Bucky grins, lazily sliding his hand down Steve's stomach to the trimmed thatch of hair nestling around his cock. "Think I can wake you up more."

"...I mean, I'm not opposed to that," Steve manages to reply, before putting his head back against the pillows. He grabs them to bunch them up, so he'll get a better view. Front row seats, even.

Bucky keeps his eyes on Steve as he laves his tongue across one hipbone, then the other. They're more prominent now that he's losing his bulk. Steve's getting better at seeing himself the way Bucky does, but some days it's hard. Yesterday, he had a big meeting with Coulson regarding some more prints for  _Guardians_ , and his lucky button-up shirt was practically falling off of him. It made Steve's fingers twitch. Bucky had looked at him, with so much love in his eyes that Steve could scarcely breathe, and kissed him on the forehead. "You look great," he murmured.

Now Bucky's pulling that mouth down near Steve's psoas muscle, licking in stops and starts just to be a tease. "You're a monster," Steve breathes.

"Yep," Bucky smiles against Steve's skin; Steve feels the hum of breath on that exhale and it zips up his spine. A lightning rod. A conduit. His cock thickens.

Then Bucky's hand curls gently around the base of him, right near the root. Steve closes his eyes. Feels a hot, wet stripe drag its way up his length. His hips arch off the bed. A moan slithers from his mouth.

The hand not busying itself on his cock comes to rest on Steve's chest. It tweaks a nipple. "Yeah?" Bucky murmurs, lips sliding up and down the underside of Steve's cock. The word expels hot air against the sensitive skin, and Steve feels like he could burst or implode. Whichever comes first.

Bucky presses a kiss to the head of Steve's dick and looks up at him through lidded eyes. "God damn, I love sucking you," he whispers, before taking the head into his mouth. Steve lets out a small sound, mouth in a perfect "O" as his cock is enveloped in that glorious sun-hot pressure of Bucky's lips and tongue. His hands fist the sheets and he tries to keep his hips from bucking upwards into his boyfriend's face. He wants this to be gentle. Wants it to last forever.

"Fuck," he sighs. "I love you so damn much." Bucky makes a small sound of approval that practically vibrates every nerve ending in Steve's dick. He lets his hands move down to tangle in Bucky's hair, holding it in place. Not letting Bucky off his cock for one fucking second.

Lights and fireworks and explosions all over the sky. It shines down through Bucky's face as he locks eyes with Steve, sucking gently down in increments until he reaches the root. Steve's fingers twist gently around locks, and Bucky audibly moans around a mouthful of dick.

"I'll - have to file that - away," Steve grunts, twisting a little harder. Bucky pulls off and shakes his head, freeing Steve's hands. "Don't distract me," he says with a voice full of laughter. "If you keep doing that I'm gonna have to hump the mattress."

Steve bursts out laughing. "Good to know that's the reaction when I pull your hair!"

"You  _knew_ that, first of all, and second of all, shut the fuck up so I can get you to come down my throat." Bucky's deadly serious, with a wink behind the eyes, and it makes Steve instantly rock hard. "Oh."

"Yeah. Oh." Bucky crawls back up Steve's body to trace the outline of his ear with his tongue. "Want to taste you. You taste amazing. Want you to come in my mouth and whatever I don't get, I'm going to lick off your beautiful, perfect body."

"If you don't get back down there I'll come whether you're on my dick or not," Steve gasps. Bucky smiles, pecks a kiss to the corner of Steve's mouth, and instantly swoops back down to swallow Steve to the root.

It doesn't take much after that, and Steve comes with his hands buried in Bucky's hair. Bucky follows through on his promise, dispensing kitten licks to the droplets that managed to escape his mouth.

"I love you," Steve moans, over and over.

"Hopefully not just because I suck good dick," Bucky grins, and Steve lets out a breathless, hitching sort of laugh, because Bucky _knows_ he gives mean head, Steve has said repeatedly he's had the best blowjobs of his entire life with the guy. "I mean, it's on the list, but it's way down the list."

"You're not so bad yourself, kiddo." Bucky snuggles up to Steve, but when Steve's hand drifts down to Bucky's crotch to return the favor, he slaps it away. "Nope. This morning was all about you. You can take care of me later?"

"How come?" Steve wonders. Bucky bites his lip, still slightly glossy and pearlescent. "Because you're worth it."

Steve practically melts, but of course Bucky has to break the mood; he tosses his hair and says, with a flourish, "That should be my L'Oreal commercial."

"...I don't think they allow blowjobs on national television, Bucky."

"Um, have you watched  _Game of Thrones_? That show is blowjob central."

" _Gay_ blowjobs, Bucky."

"Ah, good point." Bucky smirks, and kisses Steve so Steve can taste himself. "And for the record," he murmurs against Steve's mouth, "I love you too."

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay, morning blowjobs!

**Author's Note:**

> Steve has to lay off Crossfit for a few weeks to heal a shoulder injury. In the process, because he's a guy and guys tend to lose weight when they can't lift, Steve loses about ten to fifteen pounds of muscle. This causes him to feel bad about his appearance since he never wanted to go back to that sickly, skinny place he was at when he was a child. Bucky helps him realize that there's more to him than his appearance and that he will always love Steve.


End file.
